"I love butt stuff, I hate spiders. I stole a pen from the bank, I cried during About a Boy… the soundtrack. I don’t wash my hands before surgery, I can see why women find Clive Owen attractive to the point where I might just as well be attracted to him. I use comparisons to Hitler to win arguments on the internet at the drop of a hat. I know nothing about wine, I’m more turned on by women in pyjamas than in lingerie; I just wanna know they feel comfortable, I didn’t get Inception. I didn’t get Inception… there’s so many layers!"